Movement

It's so hard to watch the kids suffer through the process of separation and divorce. Even in a case where there is no hostility, the kids still suffer the anxiety and disappointment that comes with one parent being out of the house. I wonder what the long-term effects will be on my kids, and I pray that God uses this experience to strengthen them. That what Satan is using for bad, God uses for good. I am secure in that and confident that God will use it for good. In the meantime, I work on being more loving, more patient, more available, and more forgiving. When those times come, and I feel weak, I will ask God for the strength and courage to move on. When I am disheartened, I will remember that God works for the good of those who love him, and I certainly do that. I have been praying more in Jesus name hoping that the promise of power in his name is true. I do believe it but am anxious to know what is happening with my husband. May God protect him.

Ouch - That Was Harder than I Thought

The darts from Satan sometimes hit hard and hurt deeply - this time it hurts more the day after the dart was thrown.

My husband had the kids this weekend and took them to a restaurant that used to be a family gathering place for us when his mother was alive. It was a place where we (our family, his brother's family, and his parents) would gather for a good meal and fun conversation - it's been over a year since I've been there. My husband called me late Sunday afternoon to tell me he was taking the kids there, and I was a little grateful that I wouldn't have to make them dinner that night - not realizing that I had just been hit.

The pain didn't hit me until this morning when my six-year-old said that the whole family gathered there, not just my husband and the kids. Ouch! The pain of that rejection moved the tears forward a bit, and I had a hard time swallowing. Feelings of sadness and grief come and go as I fight to stop the pain of being excluded. I will get through this day and this grief and come out stronger, but for now, the pain of not being a part of something that used to be so enjoyable lingers.

I prayed a prayer of protection - mostly that my mind won't be filled with thoughts of "what if..." and "that must mean..." Mostly lies from the enemy. God is working, and I'm still standing.

What to Do When Your Husband Stops Loving You

Proverbs 30:21-23 "Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress."

It will be two years on the 28th of this month when I received my first papers telling me that my husband wanted to divorce me. He's been gone almost three, and the heartbreak came long before then. I married too soon. I married someone I hardly knew, and then I made three children with him. I knew two months into the marriage that he wasn't who he said he was, but I trusted God, and still do, despite the circumstances, that a marriage is for a lifetime. My vow was real, and I take this commitment seriously - for better or worse.

I won't go into detail about why my husband left or what happened prior to that, but I will say that if he wants to come back, he is welcome. I trust that God can help us work this out and that both of us need to be willing. That being said, I have let him go, as heart-wrenching and lonely as it can be, because that is what he wants right now, and maybe what he needs. I trust that God is working in his life as he is in mine. I do not pry or ask questions. God shows me those things that I need to know.

I was not the perfect wife - I may have been what is called a "quarrelsome" wife, and according to Proverbs, it's better to live on the corner of the roof than in a house with someone life me. I've asked God to change me into the woman that my husband needs me to be.

Maybe we weren't meant for each other, or maybe we were but went about things the wrong way. I could probably write a book about what NOT to do when dating. I can say now with all confidence that the person you marry should first and foremost be your friend. Sexual intimacy comes with marriage, with that lifelong committment, and you will only get that kind of committment from a friend. As I said before, I hardly knew this person I married. We had dated for a short two months, he proposed, I hesitated but then said yes, and we married four months later - total time dating - six months - then married - then six months later I was pregnant.

I came to find out after we were married that I was somewhat of a rebound - that he had broken up with a fiance just a few months prior to meeting me - which complicates things even more (was that a covenant?). So, I deserve everything I'm going through. I didn't do the hard work of getting to really know him before giving myself to him. I'm taking my consequence day by day and trusting that God will rebuild and restore; that he will honor the vow we made; and that for better or worse we will be married again and blessed after God has thrown us into the fire - a purification process of sorts.

I've felt and still feel the pain of loneliness and rejection. I can understand why the earth trembles for a married woman who is unloved.