Sunday, May 2, 2010

What to Do When Your Husband Stops Loving You

Proverbs 30:21-23 "Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress."

It will be two years on the 28th of this month when I received my first papers telling me that my husband wanted to divorce me. He's been gone almost three, and the heartbreak came long before then. I married too soon. I married someone I hardly knew, and then I made three children with him. I knew two months into the marriage that he wasn't who he said he was, but I trusted God, and still do, despite the circumstances, that a marriage is for a lifetime. My vow was real, and I take this commitment seriously - for better or worse.

I won't go into detail about why my husband left or what happened prior to that, but I will say that if he wants to come back, he is welcome. I trust that God can help us work this out and that both of us need to be willing. That being said, I have let him go, as heart-wrenching and lonely as it can be, because that is what he wants right now, and maybe what he needs. I trust that God is working in his life as he is in mine. I do not pry or ask questions. God shows me those things that I need to know.

I was not the perfect wife - I may have been what is called a "quarrelsome" wife, and according to Proverbs, it's better to live on the corner of the roof than in a house with someone life me. I've asked God to change me into the woman that my husband needs me to be.

Maybe we weren't meant for each other, or maybe we were but went about things the wrong way. I could probably write a book about what NOT to do when dating. I can say now with all confidence that the person you marry should first and foremost be your friend. Sexual intimacy comes with marriage, with that lifelong committment, and you will only get that kind of committment from a friend. As I said before, I hardly knew this person I married. We had dated for a short two months, he proposed, I hesitated but then said yes, and we married four months later - total time dating - six months - then married - then six months later I was pregnant.

I came to find out after we were married that I was somewhat of a rebound - that he had broken up with a fiance just a few months prior to meeting me - which complicates things even more (was that a covenant?). So, I deserve everything I'm going through. I didn't do the hard work of getting to really know him before giving myself to him. I'm taking my consequence day by day and trusting that God will rebuild and restore; that he will honor the vow we made; and that for better or worse we will be married again and blessed after God has thrown us into the fire - a purification process of sorts.

I've felt and still feel the pain of loneliness and rejection. I can understand why the earth trembles for a married woman who is unloved.


  1. Good thoughts...I'm in a similar situation only that we aren't divorced, but sort of living in an undivorced state. I'm very lonely and long to be loved. :( Would you consider writing about what you're up to now that it's been several years? Did he ever come back?

    Thanks for sharing,

  2. Gail, wish we could meet for coffee & chat. Same boat here. Cari

  3. Hi Gail and Cari my best wishes are with you.I wish all of us can meet to chat.